So much shit has happened since I turned 19 and life got fucking crazy as shit.

Ive been going downtown and clubbing like a fucking alcoholic or some shit, but partying is the best and I love it. Ive made so many new friends and met so many new people and Im a changed person already, I love the night life but I gotta slow down on the drinking!

I met a boy first night out downtown, we’re dating now. I trashed the other guy I was dating, because I don’t think he ever really liked me or cared for anyways, he was mean as fuck at the heart of it all and I never felt comfortable around him. Im pretty sure he got back together with his ex couple weeks ago and didn’t even tell me, and tried to continue dating me at the same time. We had a falling out about it and we’ll never speak again. I don’t care, he wasn’t much to me anyways, except for an amazing learning experience and I dont regret shit. Seriously–I don’t regret anything, even though he never treated me that well.

This new boy is really amazing–Ive only known him for 2 weeks but we’ve gotten so close and we are so similar and I find it so easy to be comfortable and to be myself around him its ridiculous, and I dont get that with a lot of people. We are “casually dating” right now–and while its not exactly what I want, its something. And I have to take it. Cause hes not ready for a girlfriend right now (long story) but Ive totally fallen for him and he does have “feelings for me, important ones.” So I’ll have to just be strong as fuck and go with the flow of life cause I am so confused right now about shit I dont even know what to do. But thats life I guess you just gotta go with it. Wish me luck…

Just a quick post about my 19th birthday to show you what I got.

This is just the gifts I got from fam–I still have to get something from my friends. The ipod nano/video was probably the best present of them all, I LOVE IT. If you’d like to see more pictures of it (including the pretty case I got for it), they are here: one, two, three.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!

I TURN 19 TOMORROW, fuck yeah. I’m not going downtown since it’s a school night and I’m in the middle of my summer course which is condensed so the workload is heavier–not that I’ve really done any homework yet–so I’ll have to get up at 6:30 in the morning the next day and I don’t want to have a hangover for that. On second thought, that’s so early I’ll probably still be drunk by then.

Me and the boy are supposed to be going on a second date on Friday, but it’s tentative, he may not be able to go. I was very disappointed, since after 2 and a half months of waiting we only got an hour and a half last week and now it may be either less or not at all, for another 2 weeks. Since we talk a couple times a day on MSN, not being able to be with him in person just makes this whole experience very slow and painful. I love hearing the sweet shit he says about wanting me to be with him, falling asleep together, and all the other fun stuff that makes you go AWEEEE and just melt into a puddle right there lol. But when you have to spend 2 and a half months just talking about it online, and only get an hour and a half of real time with him, it just makes for a very frustrating process, which to be honest, is really just slowly killing all my energies toward the subject.

As you can see I feel very scattered and misdirected about the whole issue, sometimes I feel like my thoughts are completely unified into one major line of thought and I see clearly, but then other times I feel my emotions are being spread too thinly and are probably more scattered than a handful of sand in a fucking desert.

Last night we had a long chat. I really, really like him and we said many sweet things but right now I just want to kick him in the face for something he did/said, and I’m not sure what to think about it. It’s nothing bad. But I was making an attempt to be vulnerable because he is a bit of an emotionally intense person and loves it when I am. Only problem is, he likes it so much he tries to get more out of me than what I am comfortable saying/promising, or tries to get me to admit I like him more than I actually do. Bleh